Metal and Steal.

Your walking and talking, like the rest of us liars.
But your built differently, of parts and steal.
I want to open you up and tear apart the metal and wires
Rip apart the springs and screws, find what inspires
Disconnect you from the wall, and stop you from reality.
Shut you up, and tie you down, keep you from brutality.
The words you speak, and the things you hear
Are nothings but what your mind only fears
You begged for your chance and blew it seconds later
Made me believe you were greater,
better than a hater, but only was a traitor.
I find only oil, rubber and steal
Is there anything you can really feel?
Your pure fiction and fake,
You pretend to love and care, but fiction is all that you can make.
I believed that even past the hard cold shell,
You really were someone more than just a magic spell.
But in the end that was all your lies that you could impel.
You were well reserved, curved and preserved.
Only I found you weren't well desereved
I admit I fell for your fabrication,
Brought me to a location, built on a foundation
Made only of sensation, temptation, and frustration.
But you broke me to pieces, an now you deserve the same
I refuse to play the blame game, but your one I must name
You left me to shame, made me proclaim, of what I became
Hurt and lost, tossed and exhaust. Left so much to cost
So now you should pay for all the people you've destroyed
Left with a void, lost and annoyed, trying to avoid
The darkness that you left, and enjoyed.
Say your goodbyes, lies, dont look in my eyes.
Its over now, no turning back, nothing left to track.

Pull This Thread

Our hands our covered in blood with guilt
We're standing upon the lies and pain we built
Our connections become distractions
Were monsters with selections
We've become quite dangerous
Only to find that our plague is highly contagious.
There are rules no one really obeys
We run, play, and misbehave, with no delays
Our world filled with execution and destruction
Our children witnessing how we people function
The time is dwindling,while the history lays out our consequence.
We all hide ourselves, disguise ourselves, with nothing to confess.
The book describes that our sins ban us to hell
But we pretend to be perfect creatures around our tiny shell.
Our faces are covered with lies and confessions
And our brains are non functioning and scattered directions.
We listen and believe to all the ludicrous conspiracies.
As we act upon ourselves quite so deliriously.
Life as we know it is filled with complications
Desiring the most and yearning for our sensations.
We must at the very least admit that we've drowned
But were all taped down, clogged up and bound.
Shut up tight, tucked under the rug,
Are all the lies and crap we can't lug.
Our morals and exceptions are all that we hold,
And we use this to teach the children that we mold.

Frzn Drms

We're all built upon a rusty floor
And soon after we grow to learn how to clean it
We make promises only to wait for them to be broken
And show the love that isn't really there, holding masks
That only show what people want to see
We say things that aren't true and strive so hard
To be happier than those around us
We put on this facade only to come to the conclusion
That we're all mock-ups and imitations of the people we wish to be.
We do ignorant things to fit in, and try so hard to unique
And later to discover that we're really all the same.
Sometimes we want t run to a world where no one really exists.
A utopia of the things that seem almost impossible.
We want to live our dreams, and desire the things we cannot have.
We work so hard to get nothing, and break apart
Because we didn't get what, all along, we really wanted
We fancy to have what others don't and in the end find that you feel
No different than the rest.
We're hungry for love, and affection
But we anticipate whether the love and affection we get
Is fiction or factual.
We listen to the stories of happiness we yearn to be true but ignore
The stories of sorrow we believe to be lies.
People steal the things they want, and later turn our backs upon them.
Why doesn't it seem so all right? Should it feel so wrong?
I want so much for the world to be different, I want the promises
To remain unbroken, and only to hear truth.
Am I the only one who hasn't cleaned the rusty floor beneath us,
The only one who hasn't learned what reality may really be?
Does it make me like everyone else?
Dreaming for the things that are unreal and crying for things I am not able to attain.
Am I asking for the impossible?
Or is it only impossible for me.
Am I the only one who feels lost in a crowd of fakes.
Or can you see it too?

ThereerehT

I would love to show you the things people can't see
I want you to hear the things people cant hear.
I would like to make you feel the things people cant feel.
I would love to take you there
Follow me into the unknown shadows of the world
Feel the inside of these walls, the ground I stand upon.
Dont just lay there, upon the thousands of layers of pain and tears
Pull yourself up, open the blinds
I want you to see the things people cannot see
I would love to be there

Shake It Off

Lets pretend were just a little older.
Make ourselves look so much bolder.
Wear yourself like were two inches taller
Act like we're carrying just a bit more than a dollar.

Forget that we have the earth beneath our feet.
Dance, move out bodies to the loudest beat.
Don't look back, pretend theres never been a past.
We'll open up, party up like todays our last.

Slam down our ID's like they're the real deal.
Give them a look, like sweetheart, its a steal.
We know were taking their breath
What we got, and how we got it, could cause them death.

We hop in, and let the wind blow us away
These people look at us like we're on display
Dont be afraid, throw your hands up
Forget the meaning of life, and take a cup.

We've unrooted ourselves from the ground
Dug in deep, even farther than we could've found.
We've dropped the meaning of happyness,
Traded it in for a night you couldn't guess.

Since we're here for now, might as well live it up
Throw your head back, laugh like we haven't had a cup.
Put your hands together, this is for us
Please darling, dont have a worry, don't make a fuss.

Tonight we can lay our heads down
Know we had the best night in town
Don't forget no one could measure up to you.
Till forever, you'll remember theres everything you could do.

I'm in the crowd, maybe about the center of attention.

I swift past people, my cup filled till the top.

The wieght on my shoulders lifted.

Drifting into the vibes from the people whom surround me.
Embracing, Hearts opposite of racing, Pacing.

Ignoring the world, and problems not worth facing.

I feel my muscles relax. My eyes drop quarter of an inch.

Feeling the laughter rising from my chest.
The calmness transfer from my pores to the humans around me.
Its all that it could be, all we could be.
Its the day we turn a year older physically, and a year younger mentally.
Working my way to a tobacco stick, meeting the fire incedentily

I feel my hair brush past my ear, my cup refilled.
Someone out in the back yells to fill those small cups,
For that quick slight burn down your thin throat.
I follow the crowd, someone reaches out, letting my self go.
I throw my head back, capturing that warm hint of liquid go down.
I close my eyes, feel the heat against my face, I let myself drown

We raise our hands, fight the inability to make decsisions.
Pump our fists to the beat of this music.
Inhale the second hand in the room, while lighting one of my own.
Two in counting for the night, I'm sure not my last.
Its broken, the railing to the world. I'm free out of this nonliving cast.
Its my birthday, Everyone yells "Go wild"

I feel the skins of the crowd in my presense.

The heat coming off the surface of everyones shell.

I breath in the nicotine, exhale the polution.

I feel the music settling, the crowd calming.

One by one, each hour after the next, a group or two leaves.

It was a good night, atleast as everyone believes.

Slowly the house empties out.
People say there goodbyes, give there hugs, thanks for the fun,
And maybe just maybe, they'll come back for another night.
All that matter now, I'm a year older, and a year closer to life.
Lay back, light up once again, everything but bitter strife.
Its been a good night, music pumping, hearts thumping...
Thumping...

formspring.me

Ask me anything, Say anything. http://formspring.me/StephyGarramuno

No Name

Our arms, our legs, intertwine
In a world unknown to the human eye
Our bodies rooted to the ground
Five feet above the surface
No where to look
But up.

We fell in to the cliche pool
Of a four letter word
Written by the thousands of hearts
That lay across the universe

Our hearts are racing as fast as a new born's.
Our palms, glued together by the sweat.
And that moment,
Where all else falls down along with the world
But your still standing here
With me, for what feels like an eternity.

We're falling, we're crawling.
Your calling, I'm reaching, I'm reaching.
Your speaking, I'm speaking.
I'm yelling, I'm wailing.
I feel it, you see it.
I live it, you speak it.
I'm crying, you hear it, i hear it.
Your shaking, I'm aching.
I'm aching, your breaking, your breaking.
And I'm calling, I'm reaching, I'm reaching.
Your speaking, your seeking, your seeking.
I'm trying, I'm crying.
I need you, I need you.

And when everyone else fails to see
You open your eyes and you see right through me
And now its me and you.
Falling and crawling and crying and drowning
Me and you.
Hearing and seeing and feeling and speaking.
You and me
Shaking and aching and breaking and quaking.
Us We
Calling and seeking and reaching and trying.
Trying and trying.

And once again I feel at ease
In the arms of one's heart
Drowning in the love I wish to have fallen.
And the people whose hearts that have been broken
One day, may it be today or tomorrow
Are mended, for e t e r n i t y

Lovely Bones

I sat online today...

I watched lovely bones. I have read the book, and although the movie is very different from the book, it was a good movie. But it made me wonder, do you ever ponder on what may be beyond us? Beyond this life? Beyond the rest? What happens when we finally close our eyes and rest in sleep for eternity. I realize people believe in certain religions for this very reason, but how can you keep telling yourself there is something beyond this point if we really don't know for sure? How can you live your whole life doing only what rules apply in your religion, but not really know for sure we'll end up where They say we'll be when we pass? Is there really a heaven? A hell? Is there an in-between, where we grow to move on from the past and proceed into what we call heaven? I mean, if you really think about it, dyeing is like sleep. But in this case, a sleep we never wake up from. How do you normally feel when you wake up from sleep? Tired, of course. But beyond that. Beyond that observation. How long did it feel like? In my view, it felt like 5 minutes. You can barley remember sleep, besides your dreams, but even those are only up to 15 seconds. Its like falling into darkness, blacking out, and awakening to the world once again. Is that how death is? We fall into the darkness one last time, but this time, not waking up is quite inevitable? Can we still think? Still believe? Still see, or breath? Do we see a light? It sounds cliche, but how many books and movies have based it on a light. Do we follow to what there is beyond? Or is that it? After the darkness there is no more. No more seeing, or breathing, thinking nor believing? What about the so called after life many speak of. Some say they want to be a bird, or a fish. Me? I'd want to be me again, just in another life, another situation, different circumstances, a new experience, but does that mean I must forget everything I learned once before in my old life? There are "new" souls and "old" souls upon this earth. Meaning some have lived a life before, and some were born brand new. Well, why do we have to forget the old stuff, the old circumstances, lessons, and mistakes? You know when your walking down a street, maybe crowed with hundred of people, or just one or two here and there, that split second where you see a face you feel like you once knew? But you know, there has never been a moment in your life you've ever even encountered this person. I dont nessisarily know where im getting at. But do you understand me?

Do you ever ponder on what may be beyond us? Beyond this life? Beyond the rest? What happens when we finally close our eyes and rest in sleep forever? Do we go into the in-between and proceed to heaven, or do we lay in the crevices of our own dead body underneath the dirt in darkness for eternity?

Oh, What A Wonderful Holiday.

Not only dealing with school and this shitload I have to catch up on...

I also have to deal with my fathers ignorant crude attitude towards my Christmas phone call. Douche bag wouldn't know morals if it hit him where the sun don't fucking shine. I'm his daughter, and you know what I get for giving him a ring just to be respectful, maybe mend shit up? I get a mistakenly answered phone followed by a "Should I answer it," where the fuck were you born? I'm you goddamn daughter and you have to question weather you should answer my call? Oh yeah because your with your oh so picture perfect "family." Did you forget your REAL family is down here. You know, your mom and brothers. He doesn't even realize that Giselle could pack up her shit and leave tomorrow, but his mom and brothers will always be there. So he's more concerned for Giselle. Go fix your priorities, stop worrying about the rest of the world. If they really cared they'll be there when your done getting your life together. Oh and the phone call is also followed by a "What do you want?" What the fuck do I want? I want you to act like the goddamn father you claim to me, I want you to accept responsibility for your dumb mistakes, I want you to man up and start being a fucking father to your kid. But no, I was a good kid, I stayed shut, and hung up. He really has no idea what hes getting into. Because sweetie in January, hes about to get the surprise of his goddamn life, he'll wish he could go back and fix it.

Enough about my so called father, Schools fucking hell.
And don't take this like I don't like white people or I'm a racist or some shit.
Because sweetheart, if I was I'd be a lot more disrespectful.
Regardless, its just everyone whose anyone just wants attention, they're fake. And the second they see a new kid to befriend, they drain them into this some kind of "friend bond". You say two things about yourself, and by lunch the entire school knows everything. My friendship is just another number for them. They feel better knowing they every face they see in the hallways knows them. They're so fake, and act so stuck up. Like no one could ever measure up to anyone. They drink they're panzy ass liquor, with they're so called "amazing" weed. Shit I'm sure you can't even get a high off it.
Im here for school, not for backstabbing bitches who think they're gunna take advantage of the new girl just cus she doesn't know this from that. I'm two fucking steps ahead of you. So go right ahead, don't think ill fall into your little trap like every other fake bitch in this school.

I just need to get the fuck outta of this place asap. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but for the last two weeks i have got the sleep a 15 year old girl should be getting. I wake up and fight the insomnia to sleep. Sometimes I have to pace till my legs fall off just to get past the fucking headache. My life has been utter hell for two weeks. I need a break. And thank god for the next week I'm spending it with Keri and Kenneth <3

My Oh My.

My life as we speak? Is going downhill. I don't really know why I created this blog. I guess just to vent, write whats on my mind, and share with the world these pointless words I write. But anyways, back to the point. I'm obviously not going to share how I got in trouble, or what had happened. But lets just say it was probably bad enough for my Uncle to shun me from his life and our family. Quoting him, You're a disgrace to this family, I don't give a shit about your life anymore Maybe he was overreacting. Other people do. But in my opinion I don't blame him for being mad, But he went a little over the top. Not so fun seeing everyone around you getting mad.
Besides that, my life still sucks. I know I'm probably overreacting, but I hate coming home knowing me and my father will probably get into an argument, I hate showing up to school knowing everyone around me probably looks down upon me. So I've made a decision, I'm going to move in with my mother. She lives about an hour away from where I live now. Yeah, I have a boyfriend and a bestfriend I'm leaving behind. But this is temporary, in April my mother is planning on moving down here so I can still have my friends with me. I know, its pretty crazy and stupid, considering the process will take a month or so to do. And another 2 weeks for me to get moved in and situated in school. I just can't live here anymore. Its hard, too hard. I need my mom now more than ever. I haven't lived with her in 7 years and I think its called for some mom time. I know, everyone says I'm coming back! and most likely don't. Thats probably my biggest fear, because, it may be cliche to say, I love my boyfriend, more than anything in this world. He's really turned my life around, and brought me up on my feet when I needed him the most. And Of course I love my best friend, Keri. Shes my best friend, for a year now on Dec 16 (yeah we have a date, shh :x) And she's been there for everything, shes never judged me for anything I've ever done, and no matter the situation she helped, even if it meant having to walk miles, or spend all the money she's got. My mom said she'll take me down every weekend we're free to see them, and any breaks we have in between, So I don't necessarily mind, but I'm scared eventually I'll drift from both and lose them. They've really made huge impacts on my life and I couldn't lose two of the most important people in my life. They both have promised not to leave or walk away and they'll be there till the very end, but everyone worries a little, don't they?
Well this is my choice, its for me. I need to get my life in order instead of having my father throwing it in my face every time I mess up.
I'm going to be on my way now. :*

Is It Just Me?

I don't know about you, but I'm so sick of my life. I don't mean as in all of it. But the majority of it. Am I being a spoiled brat? I have the perfect boyfriend, and I'm doing great in school. I have a fantastic best friend, and I couldn't ask for a better one. I'm not saying I'm the most popular kid in school, because sweetie, I'm really not. I have two or three friends at most. But I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for what I have. I have a roof over my head, my own bedroom with a door I can lock whenever I please, cable, internet, my very own phone with unlimited texting and the works. And I truly am grateful for it all, I am. But sometimes, life just hits me in the face. Aside from the materialistic crap, I've got a great boyfriend, and best friend. I have the perfect mother, whom I love so much, and 99.9% of the time wish I lived with. I know my life could be a lot worse. It used to be. But I'm, me myself, am not happy with it. I'm not saying I hate my father, because I don't. But he just doesn't get me. Yeah, Yeah, cliche? Isn't it? But in all seriousness he doesn't. He doesn't understand a bit about anything that goes on in my life. And even if I tried to let him understand even just a bit, he'd shove it all back in my face like he has everything else, and tell me I'm being immature, and I need to act more responsible. He doesn't know why I decided to have sex, he doesn't know why I turned to weed when my life came to shit, he doesn't understand why I act up, or why I throw temper tantrums, why I'm so impatient, and why I can't control my anger. He doesn't know at all. And every time I just come so close to pouring my soul out to the guy, I stop myself. Because part of me thinks, he still wouldn't understand, he'd still see the same fuck up he's seen the past 3 years. He'd still see the same bullshit kid he raised, and he'd still throw it all back in my face. I mean he isn't an angel himself. At all. He still drinks non stop even when he knows his livers in a mess. He still puts his girlfriend and his job before me even though he denies it every step of the way. I mean when was the last time me and him have actually had a conversation about me without it becoming a fight? When was the last time he took me on HIS designated weekend to Pennsylvania to see his goddamn girlfriend and actually spent more then ten minutes of his time with me, discluding dinner and all that bullshit crap that he considers "quality time". It seems to me, in my eyes that everything comes before me. Yeah his girlfriend and everyone else says otherwise. But are they in my shoes? Do they feel what i feel? See what I fucking see? No, no one seems to get it. No one, because no one lives my life. No one has stepped in my fucking shoes. No one has grow up my childhood other than me. Why is it that since i was 2 goddamn years old I've had to live with hell on my back. I could understand my father flipping out over a few things, I could see why he'd take things a certain way. But sometimes he takes a too far. Like blaming me for his drinking. Like throwing my mistakes in my face. But when it's my turn, when its his time to face his own fucking mistakes, he doesn't wanna listen. He shoots it down the second he realizes the shits on him now. He won't face the fact hes an alcoholic. He'll hunt down anyone who even slightly considers the fact. But no, it's totally okay for him to make his own kid face her mistakes, rather than helping her through it.
And you know what? Just for the hell of it, I asked him "What if I was pregnant" I couldn't even that conversation going for long without him asking me in the inevitable. Better said, yell the inevitable. He freaked out and asked if I was, I mean I don't blame his suspicion, but it didn't mean he had to jump out and create a scene. It was a question. Just a question. And you know his answer? "I'd make you get an abortion" What kind of shit brain exists in your head? Thats aside the point though. Its just the fact that I can't hold a simple conversation with the guy that doesn't involve yelling.
I mean I do get it, I've had my handful of mess-ups, and I'm sure I passed the limit for a 15 year old kid. But he's a 39 year old man, with a fucking boat load of them. He's surpassed the goddamn limit. Except he won't accept them. It's funny that a 15 year old girl can accept her own horrible mistakes, but a 39 year old idiot, can't. Is he that immature? That ignorant? Is he so adjusted on wanting to make me feel like the tiniest thing on the planet so that he feels superior? I mean he already is my father, and naturally already gained the power to be the boss of the house, but does throwing my own mistakes in my face count in that job? Does it apply? Am I not aloud to get the same respect that he gets? Because I, myself, am an adolescent? I'm sorry to say, it may sound immature, but I don't give the same respect unless I receive it in return. I don't care for the age, I don't care if your male or female, ugly or pretty, I don't give a shit of your the queen of fucking England. If you don't give me the goddamn respect I deserve then, you will not get it in return.
I'm sorry to say my father is a tough cookie. And he sure acts like a 6 year old kid a lot of the time. For example when we argue, and I drop the subject, I walk away, and I end it. But yet, he has to continue, he has to have the last word. He has to feel like he won. He has this need with having to fight till the death, even if it means that no one's listening. And when I told him Why do you have the need to continue what has already been finished He gives me this look. Like "Who the fuck told you, you could open your mouth?" When I try to argue a situation, when I wanna give my side of the story. He shoots it down, and tells me to shut up. He tells me hes superior and hes the one who can talk. He's told me he could give a shit what I say, and what he says goes. Okay. I get the whole What you say goes crap. But why is it that its only your way or the highway? Maybe I dont wanna do either. Maybe I wanna stand right here and fight till you finally realize your the one thats been wrong. Wrong above all my little mistakes. I'm 15 years old. I'm bound to fuck up. What did you expect? An angel? Sorry buddy, you weren't blessed. If you wanna go ahead and give up on me, be my guest. But don't coming back and start yelling all over again if you've put down your gun and walked away. Be the man you say you are, start acting like the father you claim you are, and open your goddamn ears when your own fucking mother tells you your doing a bad job. Because you know what? Your not. Your being immature.
At my own 15th birthday party? He wasn't there. No, he'd rather have had spent the weekend with his girlfriend, but I still have the goddamn heart to light a candle for him, when everyone else, EVEN my own god father who you rarly ever fucking see at anyones birthday. But he was there for mine. You know what he says? Did you light a candle for Giselle atleast? Who the fuck are you to even tell me who I should light a candle for? Was she there for my party? Were you? No. Last time I checked everyone was there, But you. You act so selfish. It was my fucking 15TH BIRTHDAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ONE FUCKING CANDLE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND? Jesus christ.
Its astonishing to see that you've even made it this far in your life with a brain that burnt out. Oh and you go on with your little life, pretending you'v stopped drinking, pretending you're getting your shit together. But have you not noticed I know where you hide your stupid bottles? Have you not noticed I see your glass on your desk? Don't take me for an idiot, really. It insults me you think I wouldn't notice. But its surprising to see that you could still live with yourself knowing your lieing to your own face. Because I know I can't.
I don't even know what else to say about you.
But I'm disgusted.
D I S G U S T E D.
And for god's sake, I hope one day, life hits you in the face, and you finally open your fucking eyes and you see it.