Is It Just Me?

I don't know about you, but I'm so sick of my life. I don't mean as in all of it. But the majority of it. Am I being a spoiled brat? I have the perfect boyfriend, and I'm doing great in school. I have a fantastic best friend, and I couldn't ask for a better one. I'm not saying I'm the most popular kid in school, because sweetie, I'm really not. I have two or three friends at most. But I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for what I have. I have a roof over my head, my own bedroom with a door I can lock whenever I please, cable, internet, my very own phone with unlimited texting and the works. And I truly am grateful for it all, I am. But sometimes, life just hits me in the face. Aside from the materialistic crap, I've got a great boyfriend, and best friend. I have the perfect mother, whom I love so much, and 99.9% of the time wish I lived with. I know my life could be a lot worse. It used to be. But I'm, me myself, am not happy with it. I'm not saying I hate my father, because I don't. But he just doesn't get me. Yeah, Yeah, cliche? Isn't it? But in all seriousness he doesn't. He doesn't understand a bit about anything that goes on in my life. And even if I tried to let him understand even just a bit, he'd shove it all back in my face like he has everything else, and tell me I'm being immature, and I need to act more responsible. He doesn't know why I decided to have sex, he doesn't know why I turned to weed when my life came to shit, he doesn't understand why I act up, or why I throw temper tantrums, why I'm so impatient, and why I can't control my anger. He doesn't know at all. And every time I just come so close to pouring my soul out to the guy, I stop myself. Because part of me thinks, he still wouldn't understand, he'd still see the same fuck up he's seen the past 3 years. He'd still see the same bullshit kid he raised, and he'd still throw it all back in my face. I mean he isn't an angel himself. At all. He still drinks non stop even when he knows his livers in a mess. He still puts his girlfriend and his job before me even though he denies it every step of the way. I mean when was the last time me and him have actually had a conversation about me without it becoming a fight? When was the last time he took me on HIS designated weekend to Pennsylvania to see his goddamn girlfriend and actually spent more then ten minutes of his time with me, discluding dinner and all that bullshit crap that he considers "quality time". It seems to me, in my eyes that everything comes before me. Yeah his girlfriend and everyone else says otherwise. But are they in my shoes? Do they feel what i feel? See what I fucking see? No, no one seems to get it. No one, because no one lives my life. No one has stepped in my fucking shoes. No one has grow up my childhood other than me. Why is it that since i was 2 goddamn years old I've had to live with hell on my back. I could understand my father flipping out over a few things, I could see why he'd take things a certain way. But sometimes he takes a too far. Like blaming me for his drinking. Like throwing my mistakes in my face. But when it's my turn, when its his time to face his own fucking mistakes, he doesn't wanna listen. He shoots it down the second he realizes the shits on him now. He won't face the fact hes an alcoholic. He'll hunt down anyone who even slightly considers the fact. But no, it's totally okay for him to make his own kid face her mistakes, rather than helping her through it.
And you know what? Just for the hell of it, I asked him "What if I was pregnant" I couldn't even that conversation going for long without him asking me in the inevitable. Better said, yell the inevitable. He freaked out and asked if I was, I mean I don't blame his suspicion, but it didn't mean he had to jump out and create a scene. It was a question. Just a question. And you know his answer? "I'd make you get an abortion" What kind of shit brain exists in your head? Thats aside the point though. Its just the fact that I can't hold a simple conversation with the guy that doesn't involve yelling.
I mean I do get it, I've had my handful of mess-ups, and I'm sure I passed the limit for a 15 year old kid. But he's a 39 year old man, with a fucking boat load of them. He's surpassed the goddamn limit. Except he won't accept them. It's funny that a 15 year old girl can accept her own horrible mistakes, but a 39 year old idiot, can't. Is he that immature? That ignorant? Is he so adjusted on wanting to make me feel like the tiniest thing on the planet so that he feels superior? I mean he already is my father, and naturally already gained the power to be the boss of the house, but does throwing my own mistakes in my face count in that job? Does it apply? Am I not aloud to get the same respect that he gets? Because I, myself, am an adolescent? I'm sorry to say, it may sound immature, but I don't give the same respect unless I receive it in return. I don't care for the age, I don't care if your male or female, ugly or pretty, I don't give a shit of your the queen of fucking England. If you don't give me the goddamn respect I deserve then, you will not get it in return.
I'm sorry to say my father is a tough cookie. And he sure acts like a 6 year old kid a lot of the time. For example when we argue, and I drop the subject, I walk away, and I end it. But yet, he has to continue, he has to have the last word. He has to feel like he won. He has this need with having to fight till the death, even if it means that no one's listening. And when I told him Why do you have the need to continue what has already been finished He gives me this look. Like "Who the fuck told you, you could open your mouth?" When I try to argue a situation, when I wanna give my side of the story. He shoots it down, and tells me to shut up. He tells me hes superior and hes the one who can talk. He's told me he could give a shit what I say, and what he says goes. Okay. I get the whole What you say goes crap. But why is it that its only your way or the highway? Maybe I dont wanna do either. Maybe I wanna stand right here and fight till you finally realize your the one thats been wrong. Wrong above all my little mistakes. I'm 15 years old. I'm bound to fuck up. What did you expect? An angel? Sorry buddy, you weren't blessed. If you wanna go ahead and give up on me, be my guest. But don't coming back and start yelling all over again if you've put down your gun and walked away. Be the man you say you are, start acting like the father you claim you are, and open your goddamn ears when your own fucking mother tells you your doing a bad job. Because you know what? Your not. Your being immature.
At my own 15th birthday party? He wasn't there. No, he'd rather have had spent the weekend with his girlfriend, but I still have the goddamn heart to light a candle for him, when everyone else, EVEN my own god father who you rarly ever fucking see at anyones birthday. But he was there for mine. You know what he says? Did you light a candle for Giselle atleast? Who the fuck are you to even tell me who I should light a candle for? Was she there for my party? Were you? No. Last time I checked everyone was there, But you. You act so selfish. It was my fucking 15TH BIRTHDAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ONE FUCKING CANDLE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND? Jesus christ.
Its astonishing to see that you've even made it this far in your life with a brain that burnt out. Oh and you go on with your little life, pretending you'v stopped drinking, pretending you're getting your shit together. But have you not noticed I know where you hide your stupid bottles? Have you not noticed I see your glass on your desk? Don't take me for an idiot, really. It insults me you think I wouldn't notice. But its surprising to see that you could still live with yourself knowing your lieing to your own face. Because I know I can't.
I don't even know what else to say about you.
But I'm disgusted.
D I S G U S T E D.
And for god's sake, I hope one day, life hits you in the face, and you finally open your fucking eyes and you see it.